Santorum, as followers of politics know, is the Bible-thumping Republican underdog who tied Mitt Romney at last night’s Iowa Caucus. Santorum is also, as users of Googleand followers of Dan Savage know, aneologism for ”the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.”

Here are headlines about the former that are much funnier when you imagine they are about the latter.

• Santorum Breaks Out in Iowa
• Santorum Runs Hard on Long Final Day
• Neck and Neck: Romney Tops Santorum
• Romney Tops Iowa, Santorum Surges
• Santorum Links Black People, Public Aid Programs
• SANTORUM STUNNER
• Will Santorum Surge Travel?
• Romney Pips Santorum
• Poll Shows Santorum Trails Romney, Obama in Pa.
• Santorum Surges With Low-Dollar Model (prostitute pegging story)
• Why Santorum’s Surge Could Be Sustained (guide to longer-lasting orgasms)
• Why Evangelicals Coalesced Around Santorum
• SANTORUM SURPRISE
• After Santorum’s Rise, a Test (of butt strength)
• In Final Lap Santorum Comes From Behind (Catholic news source!)
• Huntsman Heartened by Santorum’s Rise
• Santorum Bubbling Up Everywhere
• Romney and Santorum Split the Spoils
• Santorum Tests Chocolate Truffle Milk at Christmas Party
• The Fallacy in Santorum (better if you skip second half of headline)
• Santorum Surges, Paul Pushes, Perry Prays, Gingrich Cries (accurate depiction of each candidate’s sex life)
Romney Ekes Past Santorum
• Romney Turns Attention to Santorum
• Gingrich: I’d Team Up with Santorum
• Santorum Pushes Supporters to Keep Surge Alive

I have removed the word “Rick” from a few of these, to enhance the humor. If only he went by “Dick.” And his middle initial was “N.”

The best thing about the Santorum surge is that, even in Romney’s best case scenario, he must still confront a “Romney Pushes Out Santorum” headline. Poor Mitt. If he wants Santorum out, he’ll have to loosen up.